If you ever have the privilage to know me in real life, you'll see that I'm surrounded by women. I'm the Most Interesting Man in the World, except I'm not fictional. I attract women like comics attract nerds. The common misconception is that it's because I'm very physical attractive...this is true, but it's not the reason why. You see, I know how to control minds. I have a certain power to me. I am a winner, and by being a winner in life, I get to do whatever I want to whoever I want. That's why you're reading my column and I'm not reading yours. Because when people read my stuff, they feel empowered. I'm like Prometheus giving the knowledge of fire to mankind.
So what fire am I giving you lowly mortals today? [Explicit].
I was going to write about how to use drinks to seduce women, but since this [explicit] website is about Asian things, I'm going to have to change it to using Asian drinks to seduce women.
After reading this, you should be able to get any woman you want. Doesn't matter if she's married, above your league, doesn't speak English, or a lesbian. All women are the same. They can be won like a [explicit] mathematical formula. Alpha males like myself know this.
Most women can't drink. The trick is getting one out of Starbucks and into the bar. Once she's in the bar, you can even order a Bud Light and it's over. Not one women in this world can handle alcohol. I've served plenty of drinks to plenty of women and there are no such things as stereotypes. Just facts. So more than anything, women like cute things. [Explicit]. They go anything that's light colors with umbrellas on them. I'm not going to repeat my article about umeshu, read it in the archives when you get the chance. Nothing turns a woman on than a bad boy with a bottle in his hand, a large baseball cap turned sideways, a nice leather jacket, and a cigarette. Women love men who smoke, even when they say they don't. Women love men who drink too. Whenever I tell them I'm a bartender, it's pretty much easy street for me. I smoke. I might die. But so what? [Explicit]. I don't give a [explicit]. I get to do anything I want in life. Nobody can stop me. YOLO, man. Women love this about me. It's alpha. They're ripe for the bad boy. They're ripe for that drama they love. They want the samurai bartender experience.
So here's some ladies drinks for you using this tactic.
- Asian Pear Martini -
It's got the word Asian in it, but it's actually a Chicago drink. But [explicit] it. What they won't know, won't hurt you. And you'll be surprised how little women know about Asian culture. Play it off like you know what you're talking about. That shows leadership. Man, [explicit]. Just tell 'em it's not much alcoholic, when it really is. An average Asian Pear Martini contains a lethal amount of sake and brandy. You'll get even the stiffiest women to do anything you want with your fetish. Telling you, one Asian Pear Martini, harmless and deceptive, just the amount to serve as a love potion.
- Lemongrass Mojito -
Again, playing the Asian card and showing them you're into Asian stuff. Yeah, they love it when you tell them you speak Mandarin or Japanese, but show it to them that you've frequented bars in Asia. You know about the lemongrass mojito. And the best part about it is, and I've done this plenty of times, you can just tell them it's juice. There's white rum in it, but the heavy amount of sugar and soda water diminishes the taste, much like umeshu. Next thing they'll know, they're laughing at all your jokes.
- Red Lotus -
This one's hot a sexy name. It makes her feel naked and passioned. That's what women really want, to feel they're bad. And you're going to give that to them with the red lotus. It looks beautiful and dangerous. The heavy mixture of cranberry juice even helps her when she's on a period. This one's more for the women who are looking to do crazy things right off the bat. They just need that little push. No girly-looking drinks. Just the direct flirt and invitation to do what adults naturally do with the Red Lotus. Notice I didn't say consensual, which is overrated. You are a man, do not worry about consensual. Take what's yours.
- A Fishy Surprise -
Today's woman wants to get laid as much as we do. That's just how it is. They don't want respect, so don't give them any. [Explicit]. It's that simple. Nothing makes a woman feel more disrespected then forcing A Fishy Surprise down her throat. We're not even going to disguise anything here. Fishy Surprise's taste like [explicit], but it's forceful and nasty and women like that. This one will make her puke. It's made mostly from fish sauce and Worcestershire with shots of whiskey. It's for you to say to her, I don't give a [explicit] what you think or feel, I am going to use you and I don't care if you are an object to me. Because, frankly, she is an object to you. Make her know you're feeling alpha with A Fishy Surprise.
- Shokitini -
This lil' [explicit] is pronounced sho-coo-tini. Say it, be comfortable with it, sound like you're cultural. Chicks dig that. Doesn't matter if it's fake. [Explicit] especially doesn't matter, as long as you make her feel like it matters. Women forgive lies, and they love to be lied to. Part of being a desirable man. I pick this one to add to your player arsenal because it's easy to make. Get some sake, Gray Goose or Absolut, and some syrup. It's not so much something you order, but make at home. Seduce her with this, and make her feel comfortable. Remember, it's what she wants no matter how much she rejects it. If she didn't want it, why is she even at your home? Am, I [explicit] right?
- Singapore Sling -
A Singapore Sling reminds me of the best kind of women...sweet and low self-esteem. Level 1 dating material. Let me tell you something, if you ever find a [explicit] with low-esteem, get her, use her and abuse her. These kinds of women will make you learn right away that it's a waste of time to be nice. Singapore Slings are pineapple gins, enough to get Level 1 women drunk and not strong enough for them to pass out. You can't serve women with low self-esteem drinks that cater to their destruction, not enough left for you to destroy anyway. Otherwise, you'd never really order this weak and fruity crap.
If you're a little bright, you'll see that all the drink stuff was written to mask my real point: women are easy if you exhibit a dominating presence. The drink is to show power. A man must have power, and power is meant to be used through force. Get my [explicit] point? Alcohol is used to wash away a man's problem and seduce women to do what they're only mean to do: be an alpha man's toy. Power means I can write this, tell a woman this, and she'll still fall in love with me. That's because when she's with me, she knows I have funny stories to tell, she likes the way I belittle other men and dominate other men. She's experiencing the benefits of being with a samurai bartender.
It's all about presence, you [explicit] understand me? Why do you think you keep coming back every 15 days to hear me insult you? It's because you know I'm great. You know I'm good. You know that I fully show YOLO at it's finest. I have smashed hotel rooms and refuse to pay for them. I have hit random men and children and women. You see, I don't give a [explicit]. I am bulletproof. You can't kill me. And that's why, in 15 days you'll come back and read my words because I am a higher species than you.
Now go eat [explicit] and die. [Explicit] off. Go back to the hole you came from. But I know you'll be back in 15 days to kiss my ass.