I picked the name Samurai Bartender for a reason. First, no [explicit], I am a bartender. I serve liquor at a bar and I listen to [explicit] whine all day long. But why samurai? Why not the Ninja Bartender...or...or the Egg Roll Fortune Cookie Bartender? Man, [explicit]. If you actually thought that second one, get out of here, you racist [explicit]. Nah, I'm kidding, you can think that all you want. Leveling with ya, I love the concept of the samurai. In feudal Japan, samurais were the badass gangstas serving feudal lords. Kids wanted to grow up being samurais, losers ended up being ninja. Ninjas stabbed people in the back and they were snitches. The equivilant to being a ninja today would be a [explicit] crackhead. Hiding in the shadows, shooting people in the back, doing jobs nobody wanted for $5. Never understood the American fascination for ninjas. Ignorance it must be.
But [explicit], man. Samurais were the [explicit].
A man's man, a code of honor, shooting straight with anything and everything, respect. A samurai had the authority to cut off people who showed them disrespect and no one questions it, because it was the alpha thing to do. And you know what else made the samurai respectable? Education. To be a samurai meant you knew your subject well and you weren't some ignorant idiot sprouting off their piehole. Those things fit me well. I'm a samurai. People respect me. People see me as the law. I am the man of men. I am alpha, you are not.
Do not EVER [explicit] with me. Got it?
Okay, today I'm going to teach you [explicit] how to make a special drink. But before we start, if you've never done any drink mixing whatsoever, stay here and finish this paragraph. The rest of you [explicits] can move on to the next paragraph. Okay, to mix drinks you'll need a jigger. That's the metal container you've seen every bartender put the alcohol and other things in it to mix with. How you hold the liquor bottle and pour it into the jigger is the trick. Often times the spout of the bottle may fit perfectly into the jigger...other times, not so much. The last thing you wanna do is flip the bottle and have the liquor pouring everywhere like a [explicit]. That's not alpha. That's beta. Don't be a beta. Now hold the liquor bottle with your index finger to the neck of the bottle and firmly pour it in there. How do you know how much liquor goes into a bottle? By counting Mississippis. Say "1 Mississipi...2 Mississippi..." while you're pouring the liquor into the jigger. Learn how much liquor goes into one "mississippi" of the count. Then you'll know what it's worth for you. Do this to all the ingredients, then seal the lid and shake. If you're a stud like me, you'll get it the first couple of times. If you're a [explicit] [explicit] you're going to need many practices.
Alright, enough of the talking. Let's start mixing. The drink we're making is called the Black Samurai.
It's a unique sake drink that combines sake and soy sauce. Yes, [explicit], I said soy sauce. Don't judge, just drink. You'll need:
- 1 oz. of Sake
- 1/2 oz. of soy sauce
And of course your jigger.
Add the sake first into the jigger, then put in the soy sauce. Shake that [explicit] for half a minute. Yeah that's it. You just made a Black Samurai. For experimentations in taste, it usually goes better with sake that contains higher ratios of liquor. That will dominate and surpress the saltiness of the soy sauce. This is enough for four shot glasses.
Okay, if you've tried it by now, you're saying how it's the most disgusting drink you've ever tasted. I mean, what were you thinking? It's sake and soy sauce, doesn't take a genius to figure out that won't taste pretty good.
Well I got news for you.
That's a warrior's drink right there. They call it a black samurai for a reason, it's meant to be a taste, a shot, something you'd ask out of a drinking roulette fight. It's not meant to taste good, but as an equal parts expression of pain tolerance and high alcohol content. This is the alcohol version of harikari, brother. Down yourself a Black Samurai and in solumn nights, it'll understand your mood and solitude, your depression, your trials and tribulations. Experience it, and you'll understand what sake can mean.
Once again, I've made you smarter. I've fed you with wisdom. I've clothed you with knowledge. I've put you one step closer into being a samurai bartender. Once you were a ronin, but now I have claimed you as your master. Today, you have learned how to make a Black Samurai, perhaps even for the first time how to properly mix drinks. Have I lit a hunger in you? Do you crave another feast of my knowledge? [Explicit] you and back the [explicit] off. I'm no buffet. You want to feed your hunger? Stay hungry until the next 15 days when I'll give you another taste of how good it can be. Until then, stay out of jail, don't do anything [explicit] up and be a productive member of society. Or don't. I don't give a [explicit]. Now get off the internet.