Alright, you mooks. This is a very important article, so print it out and plaster it on your wall, because this is what you should inspire to be someday. Yeah, I know you think I'm cool, but you don't want to be a bartender as much as you want to be a champion of this:
The Asian Cocktail Championship
Let those words sink into your head...the glisten and sweeten your mind's ears like honey. [Explicit], I'm getting tears. Let's move on.
The Asian Cocktail Champsionship happens every year at Macau as part of the Wine and Gourmet Asia exhibition. It's a big [explicit] deal, a must be for wine aficionados that's in that part of the world. The exhibition itself is okay, not as good as the ones in Europe, there are dull silent bidding, chef presentations and a lame tour of the hotel that it's held in, but the cocktail championships are kickass [explicit]. Worth the price of admission and time to go there.
The championships attract the legendary badasses of bartenders in Asia. The best from China, Korea, Japan, Malaysia, Cambodia, etc. go there and do some samurai bartending [explicit]. Just real awesome. Hell, I'm even saying it's awesome! How often do I think anything is awesome and I've seen a bear ride a unicycle. But I digress. The championships are split into two categories, Classical and Flairtending. Classical is alright and educational, but [explicit], you want entertainment right? The Flairtending is the greatest show on bartender earth.
What goes on in these things? Insane juggling with jiggers and wine bottles, pouring while juggling, mixing with rhythm dancing and behind the back throwing. Damn crazy athleticism. You'll hear more "woos" from the crowd than sands on a beach. Yeah sometimes it gets a little cheesy like a guy dressing up as a ninja suit and doing karate kicks, get the [explicit] out with that nutty [explicit], but you also see insane hot Asian women doing impossible tricks with bottles you ain't never seen before (get your mind outta the gutter!). Blindfold juggling and mixing? Exciting [explicit].
These cocktail championships attract some legendary bartenders from Asia. Never heard of them before? You should. These are your new bartending gods...next to me, of course. Kuo Yung Yi is Taiwan's famous bartender, who's resume and experience includes world reknowned showmanship and skills for some of the most famous celebrities in Asia. Japan's Takashi Yoshida involved himself in mano y mano brawl just to be second place to another Japanese bartending legend, Kiyomi Yumoto. Korean hot mixologist Lee Eun Aw also makes her apperance as the 2009 champion. Smoking!
Think you got what it takes? Unfortunately, the pro circuit is invitation only. Meaning people like yours truly get a ticket punched and you're the sap that's there to woo and whoop people like me. [Explicit] forget it. You won't reach my level at this point and may only spend a lifetime dreaming of it, but there are local amateur competitions, and if you can spare breaking a few bottles in your garage, maybe you can master a few easy juggles, blindfolds, and other crazy stunts to make a name for yourself some day! [Explicit] not likely, but hey, get an A for effort.
Hey guess what? You started reading this as an ignorant shmuck, but now you're a step less ignorant because I have put some information in your head. Hey, it's all good, it's part of the journey of becoming a samurai bartender. Too bad you're still a [explicit] loser. Yeah, I know I just called you that and you'll still return in 15 days, because I'm alpha and that's what being alpha is! I have power over you and you will never have power over me! But hey, every castle has its own king, so maybe you can power yourself over others so you can be semi-alpha in your own little world. Just don't look my direction because staring at me and my awesomeness is like staring at the sun.
So, [explicit]. Get out of my face. You'll be back in 15 days.