I ain't gonna lie, boys and girls. I'm having a great month. Getting paid and laid like a samurai bartender should. So feeling like the generous guy that I am, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: chicks like to drink, but they can't handle it. You gotta serve them coolers, but in meals, we have what we call apéritifs. That's French, you [explicit], for meal drinks. Now the best kind of drink to sneak a girl drunk and win yourself some hanky panks, is the use of umeshus.
I carry several types of umeshus in my bar, and they're in most hotels around the world. Not just Asian countries. So where the [explicit] was I? Ah, getting my students some action with the use of umeshu. Umeshu is plum wine, but its savorable and undetected in taste like regular alcohol, particularly sake.
You can mix umeshu with absinthe and vodka with a little gin and tonic too, taste is clear, the effects are strong, and you will look more charming as the night goes on. The best thing is plum wine sounds less intimidating than the words "sake", "beer" or just plain "alcohol". Rolls right off the tongue: umeshu. And it's got that fruity taste girls dig.
Downfall? Umeshu is seasonal. [Explicit].
Stores and hotels carry them during the rainy season in Japan, which is, like, July. The more sugar, the better. These things are basically rice, sugar and alcohol anyway. If you buy this in the market, you can mix it with all sorts of food based on some charts in the package.
You can even make this [explicit] at your home too. Many people do this in Asia, even grandmas. Hell, may just mine. [Explicit]. Get some dry umes (Asian plums) from the market. They're green-colored, don't mistaken them for the regular purple ones. Take out the stems and stab them full of holes with toothpicks. Stuff 'em in a long jar filled with sugar cubes and then pour the store-bought umeshu maker. In three months, you've made your own home-brewed umeshu. You can drink 'em as is, or on the rocks.
The important thing to know about umeshu is that it comes in four different types, each very different from one another. Some are made from sake, others from shochu, brandy and white liquor. They'll change the taste, scents and colors. Remember, these things are super potent; the shochu umeshus are up to 50% liquor. I ain't [explicit]. You could knock out women with one hit of that, and it can look as innocent as a martini. Add that to your arsenals. Personally, I recommend they Aragoshi Umeshu set, because it's the most fruity and colorful.
Or as I call it, laid-juice.
Try umeshu on anything and everything. It goes well like a glass of fruit juice. Try 'em on the rocks at a bar, but it's best when it's slightly chilled. It's pretty popular to stuff some soda in it too. I find Sprite makes it work best, but you can do a umeshu version of the Jack and Coke. Finally, as a cocktail, umeshus are wonderful.
Alright, you know the drill. I gave you power, this time it's the power to get girls drunk with a seemingly harmless drink. And you know what? I didn't ask for a dime. No, I'm imparting you this because I am looking out for you. Or maybe not. Truthfully, I don't give a [explicit]. I get paid well to write this column. And I'll get paid well again in 15 days. So [explicit] off and go do something that doesn't involve sitting in front of a computer.
15 days. I'll be here. You'll be here. The cycle continues.