[*Editor's Note: The views and advice given in this column are strictly of those from the author. Chopstix Houston does not endorse or take responsibility for any of the content of this article. - Ed.]
'Kay time to start earning some cash again by writing something.
So I wanted to talk about bar fighting this time around and the so-called editor-in-chief of this site tells me it's offensive and off-topic. Offensive? Off-topic? We're talking about drinking and that happens in bars. I'm going to tell these [explicits] how to protect themselves and kick some ass. No one's going to be offended except in about three states, and who the hell in Utah reads about Chopstix Houston? Exactly. So editor-in-chief, [explicit] off and let me do my thing. Or go find someone else. And stop editing my curse words to "explicit". [Explicit].
Alright, so here we go. You're sitting at a bar and some [explicit] challenges you to a fight. Normally, you'll get all kinds of people telling you to scram. Well, Michael Jackson was wrong. You don't beat it. You man up, look them in the eye, and you accept it as a test of your manhood. Men don't run from fights, they don't start them either, but they don't run from them either. Trust me, you'd rather get beat up, lose a fe body parts, than to run away crying about what happened to your friends. I've been five major bar fights in my life, the last one was several years ago when I grabbed someone and threw them straight across where all the liquor bottles were. You don't mess with the Samurai Bartender.
So here's a myth about fighting...you don't need to be trained. Martial arts isn't real. I fought a few black belts and a marine or two, and I never stepped foot in some lame taekwando class. That's because I let my testosterone do my fighting for me. I fight dirty. I aim to kill. There's no art in it, it's built in you as a male just like a wolf doesn't need to take wolf martial art classes. The biological urges in you knows how to hurt a man and defend your pride. Alphas know this by nature. We are born to know what to do in any situation whether it's cooking, saving someone from a burning house, getting any woman we desire or fighting to defend our honor. I summon it like I breathe air. I can turn badass on and off like a light switch.
Unfortunately, since the rest of you don't have this innate biological ability, you're going to have to resort to some bar fighting tactics. Yeah, [explicit]. You got the short end of the stick. Be brave, don't back down and follow what I'm about to tell you.
Tactic 1: Go For The Throat
Half the fight is winning it right here. I know some idiot is probably reading this and they'll [explicit] protest that they'll block it or some such nonsense. Don't believe that. This isn't Street Fighter 2, the other guy won't know what's coming. Aim for the throat and you're half way there. While he's busy coughing, pick up a bottle or a glass and smash it right across his head. If there isn't one available, put both fists together and give them the old fist hammer. Be careful of any of his friends joining in on the fight and hitting you in the back.
In relation to this, don't be afraid to fight dirty. Hit in the areas that no matter how big or skilled the guy is, it gets him stunned like the neck, ears, eyes, but never the balls. The fight should be over in a couple of seconds. The longest fight I've ever had was about 10 seconds. I happened to land 7 punches plus his girlfriend's phone number. It took about a split second to revert back from beast mode. But you're not on my level, so stick with the throat and ball hitting strategy.
Tactic 2: Distract by Talking
I've seen someone do this. I'll never do this, but he what the hell, he won the fight. It was a little guy who had some smack talked about him. He started saying something in Spanish, then a little Japanese, and next thing you know he punched him in the face and whipped the bigger guy with a bar stool. Now, you may not know multiple languages, but you miss the point, like always.
What worked is the distraction. Make no [explicit] sense. Talk gibberish, baby talk, or simply say "woo la la" repeatedly. Or do what I saw another person do, tell them you're a man of peace and then proceed to repeatedly attack them. Finish it fast, finish it dirty, use whatever you can as weapons. When you're done, never act scared, stare down everyone and define yourself as an alpha. You deserved the win. No one messed with you. Then order a shot of brandy.
Tactic 3: Use People As Shields
Most people would not hit women, so use women as shields. While he's going through a forest of women trying to land a punch, you can jump and land multiple punches. A heftier spectator will also make a great force field, but can prove a big problematic rushing back and returning to the fight. In the case of a hefty person as a shield, go behind the hefty person and shove him toward the attacker. [Explicit] yeah. You heard what I said. Everything is a weapon, including fat people. Push them into the other guy and let gravity win the fight for you. I [explicit] know you're laughing read that, but it's true. Bar fights are won by ingenuity. They are won by letting go the absurd solutions and acknowleding them as part of the process for survival of the fittest.
If you've never been in a bar fight before, it's one of the greatest things a man can feel. You get a glimpse of alphaness. [Explicit]. Just don't do it in my bar. If you get into a fight in my bar, I take a shotgun and shove it in your mouth. No one messes up my bar. Go fight outside. Now stop reading this.
Come back in 15 days. Get into a bar fight. Enjoy life.