Before I even get started, I have some rules in my columns. I have some rules. We're going to treat this like my bar. First, no know-it-alls. If you got some [explicit] against the way I'm saying things, about how you think drinking should be this or that, [explicit] you. Secondly, don't email me and ask for love advice. [Explicit] off. This isn't Oprah. Thirdly, I don't have to follow my own rules. That doesn't make me a [explicit] hypocrite. I'm the teacher, you're the student. Shut the [explicit] up.
Okay, big thing everyone likes is drinking. Everyone loves this [explicit]. So if you're out drinking with your Asian friends, or you want to play the crazy Asian with your other friends, sake is what you pick. It's popular, everyone knows what it is, it's [explicit] good. I like mine burning hot. Cold is for [explicit]s. Wanna be a man? Drink that [explicit] hot. Back at my bar, we have what I call the Samurai interpretations to three of these classic games. I'm going to tell you punk kids both ways. Do whatever you want. I don't give a [explicit].
Game 1: The Ugly Duckling (Original: Pin Pon Pan)
You like scavenger hunts? Got good taste in women? Okay, this game is based on the classic game Pin Pon Pan. In the original game, two of your buddies and yourself will each say Pin, Pon or Pan. In that order, counter-clockwise. Person that says Pon points at who starts the cycle next. Mess up, and you take a shot of sake. Simple, and a game for [explicit]s. I ain't gonna lie, I hate the original.
Back at my bar, we changed it to The Ugly Duckling. It needs to be done in a crowd. We say "Piss Pass Pot", counter-clockwise, and the last person to say Pot has five seconds to find a good-looking [explicit]. Be honest and agree she's hot or not. If both of your friends disagree, or you can't find a hot [explicit], take a shot of that sake. You got five seconds to find someone hot. This version is better because you get to scope out women AND look like you're there at the bar for a good reason besides drinking. Nobody likes three pansies who drink by themselves and avoid eye-contact with other people.
Game 2: Lotto Winner (Original: Kiku No Hana)
In Kinu No Hana, you pick someone to get a bunch of empty sake cups on a tray, put an object (a penny for example) inside one of the cups, and flip them all over. Whoever draws the cup with the object takes a shot of sake. So if there's 8 people, you have 8 flipped over empty sake cups and one of them has an object underneath it. Got it?
Back at my bar, we do it in a more exciting way. Do exactly what to do in Kiku No Hana, except with reverse rules. If you have 8 people, get 8 cups, 1 object inside a cup. If you pick a cup without the object, you have to drink. The person who picks the cup without the object is safe. He's the lotto winner. Or in other terms, the designated driver. Five rounds of this should get your entire group wasted, unless you play with professionals like me, who needs 30 rounds. I don't give a [explicit].
Game 3: French Kissing (Original: Pocky Kiss)
Okay, this one, our bar plays it like the original. You get a long piece of Pocky, put each end between the mouths of two people and have them eat it until someone quits. It's a cross between the Lady and The Tramp and a game of chicken. I like this game because it's versatility. You can use it for [explicit]s and giggles. You can use it as an excuse to kiss a chick. Or you can find out what happens when two dudes go at it.
Game 4: Trivia Shots (Original: Yamanote Sen)
This game is based off the Yamanote train line in Tokyo. Everyone claps in rhythm and say the individual train stations in the right order. Obviously, we don't live in Tokyo, we don't speak Japanese and clapping is lame. So...
Back at my bar, we gather around and name off things from a topic. For example, American League starting pitchers in team alphabetical order. Or model and brand of cars in alphabetical order. It doesn't matter. States. Presidents. Simpsons Characters. You [explicit] up, you pay the price with a shot of sake. Good drinking game for hot shots that think they know everything.
Game 5: Original name: Haishiken
This is game is so Japanese, we don't even play it at my bar. It's too complicated and cultural, but I'm going to explain it anyway in case you ever go to Japan or hang around a bunch of [explicit] anime nerds. You get two people with three chopsticks each. Person 1 decides how many chopsticks he want to us and puts them behind in a fist motion. Person 2 does the same. They open their hands and if the total is three, person 2 gets a point. If the total of chopsticks is one or five, person 1 gets a point. If the total is two or four, nobody gets a point. You do this two out of three times and whoever has the least points drinks.
See? Who the hell wants to play that [explicit] when they're drunk off their ass? Only Asians would want to play drinking games involving math. That's why we don't play Haishiken at my bar.
So there you go. Five drinking games that are popular in Tokyo, four of which are popular at my bar. Feel like you learned something? I don't give a [explicit]. Knowledge is like a knife. You can use it to cut carrots, go on a killing spree or do nothing at all. It's up to you what you do with it. I've armed you with knowledge, now enjoy that newfound power.
Class dismissed! Come back in 15 days and I'll share some new [explicit] with you. Or don't. I don't give a [explicit].